Critics, bloggers, movie website readers -- pretty much anybody who knows their way around a keyboard have voiced their "concern" for Alvin and the Chipmunks. (Though with $150 million in the bank after only three weeks, the rodents are doing well with the average man on the street and his family.) But enough is enough, says David Cross, and he's countering with a lengthy tirade of his own.
Cross, who plays a sleazeball record exec in the movie, writes on the Bob and David site:
"I am not stupid nor unobservant. I knew going into this movie that I would be eating a lot of delicious s--t for it. Usually I wouldn't give a s--t about what everyone's feelings are about it, but I wasn't prepared for the level, or amount I should say, of vitriol that's been flung about like so much monkey poo."
Goaded into action after remarks from fellow comedian Patton Oswalt, Cross presents four-and-a-half reasons why he took the role and why some criticisms are out of place:
Mitigating Factor #1: The movie wasn't made for adults. "I have not seen the movie so I can't really comment to whether it's an 'evil' or 'dangerous' 'piece of s--t' or not. The reason I haven't seen the movie is because I am not eight years old. I am an adult and don't see children's movies."
#2: This is much ado about nothing. "It's a waste of time and energy. I choose to care about other things that I believe are worth the investment of that kind of outrage, disappointment, and sense of urgency."
#3: Work time is fun time. "Up to working on 'Alvin' I had not worked in six (SIX!) months. That is an eternity if you're an actor. Think about not working for two months with no hope of anything on the horizon. Now triple that."
#4: Stuff requires money. "If I wanted that cottage I would have to pay him money. Sigh. So I used my 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' money to pay for the down payment. Seriously, I totally did."
And just when you think this might be only studio sycophancy, Cross brings the pain:
#4a. He did the most he could with the part. "They could have offered the part to Anthony Clark or Jim Breuer or Dat Phan, but then they wouldn't be able to balance out the empty void that Jason Lee brings to the film."
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