I think it's becoming easy, and en vogue (like the band!) to bash certain actresses. Lohan, Alba, Paris Hilton - they've all been getting the shaft lately and with Awake out Friday I can tell you more is to come.. Okay, okay, you can feed Hilton to the tigers, fine. But Lohan was quite good in Bobby and Alba has redeeming qualities too. Plus, the knowledge/idea/debate that Alba will win seven Oscars, a lofty amount, isn't exactly a lay-up column. So here goes nothing. Let's feel the burn.
A complete breakdown of Jessica Alba's seven future Oscars by the coward Laremy Legel:
1. Best Actress Oscar for her portrayal of a nurse in the hit WWII epic Vision in Chartreuse The film will be directed by Ang Lee and the Oscar clip will go something like this: "I healed all of your wounds... but I could never heal your heart!" (2011)
2. Original Song Oscar for her hit blues song "'Bluesy McBlueserson" from the animated hit This is a Pixar Film So You'd Best Be Seeing It (2014)
3./4. Oscars (One Directorial, One Screenwriter) for Honey II: Bloodsport In this film Honey Daniels comes back to destroy the youth center she once loved so dearly. This will be a harrowing look into mental illness and the price we all must pay for the skyrocketing cost of prescription medicine. (2018)
5. Best Supporting Actress Oscar for her turn as Ellen Page's administrative assistant in Hey Man, Mother Teresa Had a Staff of People Helping Her Too (2022)
6. Costume Design Oscar for her work in King Tut: The Most Overrated Pharaoh Ever Yes, you read that correctly, I expect her to branch out to costume design once the rom-coms get too stale and/or Dane Cook is outlawed. (2027)
7. Finally, she'll scoop up the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award in 2037, at the tender age of 56, for her work in Detroit.
Whew! There, that's seven big ones, all of them at least quasi-realistic. Sure, it's a bright future I paint, but I'm a hopeful sort of person. I want to like Alba, as I want to like everyone (even you). So let's get her agent, me, and her in a room. Then let's ask her agent to leave the room. Only then can I pitch my screenplay ideas to her, and only then can we get our favorite Alba back on track. Because at the end of the day it's all about the love, right people?
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