Superhero Movie

First there was Epic Movie, then Meet the Spartans , now there's Superhero Movie and it's recently been announced that another production is ramping up, titled Goodie Two Shoes.

This turn of events is as disturbing to me as the recent glut of PG-13 horror movies (read: little gore, no scantily clad babes). For the life of me, I do not understand the fascination or the humor. Granted, their target audience is 9-year-old boys, putting me well above the intended demographic, but that doesn't stop The Fear from coming to me late at night, crawling up from the back of my neck and around my head to weld my eyes open. The Fear is that they will continue to spawn and take over the world, or that I may end up finding them humorous and some day, late in my twilight, begin to chuckle at things like "The Vegetable Song": "And how I'll Radish/The thought of beans with you/And how my Artichoke skips a beet/Nothing Maters to me/If it's Okra with you/Lettuce never Squash our love" - - once merely thought of as fluff, now such lyrics are recognized as a window drug into the dangerous and addictive scene full of puns and bad parody movies. Such films and songs are recognized as the cause of frontal lobe seizures and brain clouds. This type of material has always been easy to control in small doses because the movies never made bank at the box office, but today they are running amuck.

Too early to cash in on the craze but paying a high cost for his addiction, Joel Schumacher wanted to retool the Batman series and made scientific history with the first infinite loop parody, Batman and Robin. On a quickly scuttled episode of The Charlie Rose Show, Schumacher was rumored to have mumbled repeatedly, "The nippled bat-suit was all Weird-Al's idea." A few days after the recorded interview, Schumacher was hauled away to rehab for his publicly announced addiction to quaaludes, which was in truth a longstanding addiction to Weird Al Yankovic tracks. Tragically, the help came too late for Schumacher, Batman and Robin was released to theaters. Also of note, due to his parody addiction, Schumacher was found to be sterile. Friends and family are rumored to be openly voicing concern today for Michael Bay.

These are dangerous times and these are dangerous films, these parody movies, not just because they make my tear ducts fester and bleed, because they are teaching our children bad humor and leading them down a path of sorrow and misery. There will soon be an entire generation of males raised on this malformed comedy who will attempt to impress the ladies with their so-called "Vegetable Songs" and their "Meet the Spartans humor," only to be shooed away like sad mongrel pups. The gene pool will diminish and the US will fail as a superpower and the religion of choice will become The Church of Leslie Nielsen. Their title hymn: "I'll Radish/The thought of beans with you".

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